Our story begins at the monthly Jesus Convention. The many incarnations of Jesus have had a long day of Jesus networking and listening to guest speakers. Everyone is ready for dinner and a few cocktails. Nobody expected what happened next... Baptist Jesus: I'm glad that this is the last speaker. I'm getting hungry.  Pentecostal Jesus: Shh! He is almost finished!  George Bush Jesus: Corporations are good, rich people are good, poor people are bad...  George Bush Jesus: Republicans = Christians...  George Bush Jesus: Democrats = Terrorists...  Evangelical Jesus: OK, let's have a big hand for our guest speaker this month, George Bush Jesus!  Audience: Applause!  Lutheran Jesus: (While applauding) I don't know. George Bush Jesus just doesn't seem to have the same oomph that he used to.  Anglican Jesus: (While applauding) I know what you mean. He used to be great, but now he is beginning to lose some of the faithful.  Audience: Applause! Lutheran Jesus: (While applauding) Well, I'm ready for a drink after listening to all of this drivel, how about you? Anglican Jesus: (While applauding) Definitely! Let's have a cocktail. I'll round up Non-Denominational Jesus and we can make it a threesome. Audience: Applause starts to die down. (Exit George Bush Jesus.)  Catholic Jesus: ...And thus concludes our monthly convention of all those who are Jesus incarnate. There is an open bar, and enjoy the food. Remember, whatever happens in Cincinnati stays in Cincinnati. Heh heh.  Easter Bunny: AHA! I must get to the salad bar! Baptist Jesus: Let's go eat. I'm starving! Pentecostal Jesus: Yeah! Carrying this cross around sure makes a guy hungry!  Easter Bunny: Excuse me! Coming through! Baptist Jesus: Sure thing, mister bunny! Evangelical Jesus: (the crowd starts to disperse.) Let's get to the buffet. I'm starving. I only had a light lunch.  Jehovah's Witness Jesus: OK. Hey, after dinner do you want to go play Ding Dong Ditch? Evangelical Jesus: No thanks! Door-to-door canvassing is your gig!  Easter Bunny: Excuse me! Can I get by? Jehovah's Witness Jesus: (letting the rabbit go by) Hey! What's with the rabbit? Evangelical Jesus: Oh, that's the Easter Bunny. He always comes to these gigs for the salad bar. Jehovah's Witness Jesus: Goddamn heathen!  Profit Motive Jesus: Hey, maybe your customers don't like the Easter Bunny, but the rest of us make a mint every year off that little guy. Jehovah's Witness Jesus: It make me sick how you people cater to a freaking rodent once a year! I don't want to sound self-righteous... Evangelical Jesus: Sigh. *Too late.* Jehovah's Witness Jesus: ...I don't want to sound self-righteous, but that is why Jehovah's Witnesses are God's chosen. We don't do any of that Pagan mumbo-jumbo. We are totally all Jesus, all the time.  Herbalife Jesus: Every month you say the same thing, Jehovah's Witness Jesus. "Ooooh, Aaaah, We're number 1!" You are such a mega-asshole!  Easter Bunny: Excuse me! Beep-Beep! Excuse me!  Hollywood Jesus: But of course. Get thee to the salad bar, little one!  Xenophobic Vigilantism Jesus: Hey, bunny! Where is your green card?  Republican Jesus: Calm down, Xeno. Illegal alien workers are good for the economy. Xenophobic Vigilantism Jesus: But they are taking jobs away from Americans, and lowering wages nationwide!  Republican Jesus: But they are helping the corporations to make obscene profits!  The Invisible Hand of the Marketplace Jesus: What is good for the corporation is good for America. Nothing else matters. Xenophobic Vigilantism Jesus: Damn you! My knee jerk reaction is more important than your avaricious corporate loyalty!  Crunchy Granola Jesus: No! Illegal immigrants are good because they usually vote Democrat! Screw the American worker, we need votes!  Republican Jesus: Ha Ha! We shall quash their effect on the voting rolls by gerrymandering! The Republicans and the obscene corporate profits are saved! Xenophobic Vigilantism Jesus: Curses! None of our phony-balony motives will save American jobs!  Easter Bunny: Yippee! The salad bar!  Cheez Whiz Jesus: Where are all of the condiments? I can't find the condiments!  Annoying College Student Jesus: Calm down. Anyway, technically you're a sauce. Cheez Whiz Jesus: Oh, really? And what exactly is the difference between a condiment and a sauce? Annoying College Student Jesus: Umm...  Easter Bunny: Mmm! Garbanzo beans!  Culture of Illusion Jesus: So it only took three weeks?  I'm Totally Not Gay Anymore Jesus: Yeah. It was fabulous! Culture of Illusion Jesus: That's amazing. And your parishioners fell for it? I'm Totally Not Gay Anymore Jesus: Totally. Hey, after dinner do you want to come up to my room? I've got HBO.  Easter Bunny: Outasight! Croutons!  Appears on Toast Jesus: Hey, pal! I'm not on the menu! Easter Bunny: Oh, dear! My apologies, sir! Appears on Toast Jesus: Just watch it, that's all. Easter Bunny: A thousand pardons, sir!  Plush Jesus: I've never met the real Jesus.  Hanna Barbera Jesus: Neither have I. Most of us haven't.  Milk Carton Jesus: I wonder where he is?  Football Jesus: Oh, he's off somewhere helping the poor and comforting the sick.  Freedom Jesus: What a loser! Profit Motive Jesus: I don't understand that at all. Where is the profit motive?  Solid Gold Jesus: It is like he has no respect for capitalism or the American way. He has no business sense at all!  Jewish Stereotype Jesus: He can't turn a profit to save his life, and yet they say he is Jewish! I just don't understand it.  Massive Inflatable Jesus: Hmmm... I can't help thinking that maybe we are overlooking something...  Halliburton Jesus: Ha Ha! Like what?  Easter Bunny: Melon! Melon! Melon! Oops! *pthfft!* Seeds...  Fox News Jesus: ...So we were thinking that we could do the same thing that we did last Christmas. It worked really well when Bill O'Reilly did it. Hollywood Jesus: We'll have to run the numbers by the big man upstairs.  Easter Bunny: OBOY-OBOY! Oatmeal cookies! Fox News Jesus: You mean...God? Hollywood Jesus: Of course not! None of us have to talked to God in years. I'm talking about Roger Ailes, of course. Fox News Jesus: Oh, right! Of course! What was I thinking. So you are gonna pull the same gag on the bunny?  Easter Bunny: *Leafy bite, leafy bite, chew-chew-chew, Leafy bite, leafy bite, chew-chew-chew* Hey! what are those two talking about? Fox News Jesus: So, where is Santa Clause now? Hollywood Jesus: He's still crucified from his "War on Christmas" gig with Bill O'Reilly. He's in the storage room over here. You wanna see? Fox News Jesus: Yeah, wheel him out. I have always hated that miserable goody two shoes. His public torture will will bring joy to my dark and curdled heart. Freedom Jesus: I can't wait to see this!  Easter Bunny: Holy crap! What have they done to Santa Claus? Hollywood Jesus: Hey, Robot Jesus, give me a hand over here.  Robot Jesus: **Whir, beep, click** Yes, master. Fox News Jesus: I can't wait to see what Bill O'Reilly has done. This is going to be interesting. Hollywood Jesus: (Santa is wheeled out.) Here he is! The old toymaster!  Santa Claus: You bastards! Let me down! You are being very, very naughty!  Neocon Jesus: Ha Ha! Shut up, old man! Your toys only cut into our corporate profits. We are in charge now. Your mission is a failure. Your lifestyle's too extreme! Freedom Jesus: Awsome! This is just like Abu Ghraib! I wish that I had my camera!  Santa Claus: You are a total scumbag, Neocon Jesus! You were always mean to your sisters and brothers, You lied about the WMDs, and you never left me any cookies when you were a boy! Neocon Jesus: Who cares! Your lovingly handcrafted toys suck! I only liked video games with lots of sex and violence when I was a kid! Ha Ha! Easter Bunny: Holy crap! I have gotta save Santa!  Nite-Lite Jesus: I love it! The bunny wants to be a hero! Isn't that cute. Fox News Jesus: Man, "War on Christmas" was great TV while it lasted! We soaked the television audience good during that Christmas season! Hollywood Jesus: Well, hopefully "War on Easter" will be just as good. We will just have to boost the proper agenda to create a false moral dilema among the viewers.  Easter Bunny: "War on Easter?" WTF? Hollywood Jesus: Now, somebody grab the rabbit and we can crucify him just like Santa. After we promote this meme, our television rating should go through the roof!  Gun Rights Jesus: I'll get him! I'll get him! Easter Bunny: Have no fear, Santa! I will save you!  Santa Claus: Don't worry about me! Save yourself, Mr. Bunny! Fox News Jesus: Ha Ha! I can't wait to tell Bill O'Reilly! Freedom Jesus: *Snicker* Oh, we are gonna have some fun with you little rabbit! Easter Bunny: (Sigh) Listen guys, I'm only here for the buffet.  Gun Rights Jesus: I've got him! I've got the varmit in my sights!  Easter Bunny: Like I said, I'm only here for the buffet...You really ought to think this over, Jethro... Gun Rights Jesus: Hold it right there, you rascally rodent! Easter Bunny: OK, pal. Put down the gun before you hurt someone. Gun Rights Jesus: Say your prayers, varmit! I'm gonna send you to Kingdom Come! (shoots himself in the foot) Ouch!  Smug Sanctimonious Jesus: See what you did? Don't talk back, you silly little rabbit!  Easter Bunny: You're making me angry...  Dow Jones Industrial Jesus: What a joke! Ha Ha! The little rodent is "getting angry!"  Easter Bunny: Trust me, you don't want to see me angry...  Atomic Underpants Jesus: Ha Ha! What are you gonna do, bunny? *Woooo-Hoooo* - I'm soOOOoo scared! Easter Bunny: You... fools... I'M... ONLY... HERE... FOR... THE... BUFFET!  Spiritual Roto-Rooter Man Jesus: Oh, my spleen! You are such a funny little bunny! You can't stand up to the almighty power of Jesus!  Easter Bunny: What you don't understand, you moron, is that you are not Jesus. None of you are Jesus. You are merely human interpretations of Jesus.  Ninja Jesus: Enough of this foolishness. I will kill you until you are dead, Easter Bunny! Easter Bunny: The real Jesus is my friend ...And trust me, you don't have any special powers like the real Jesus. The real Jesus has power that you cannot even begin to imagine.  Kung Fu Jesus: Your Kung Fu is weak, and your Christian dogma interpretation is fundementally flawed. Prepare to die, rabbit! Easter Bunny: The REAL power of Jesus is in his message, his words, and his philosophy...Even I know that, and I'm only a rabbit! ...And of course he is really, really good at skee-ball - just like his dad. Crunchy Granola Jesus: But if we don't have any special Jesus powers, then neither do you. You are just yet another human interpretation of Jesus like us! Where do you get off talking like that, especially to US? Profit Motive Jesus: Yeah, and we have the power of the profit margin. We have lots of money. We can afford lawyers and stuff. You're just some stupid Jesus rodent. Easter Bunny: Let me explain a couple of things to you knuckleheads. First, rabbits are not rodents, they are lagomorphs...  Supply Side Economics Jesus: Yeah, Yeah, big deal. **four incisors in the upper jaw, instead of two.** What great big pile of Whoop-De-Doodle-Doo! Ooooo, look at me, I have four stomachs and digest my food twice! Who cares?Easter Bunny: ...And second, I predate the Christian religion. My holiday was adopted by early Christians, so I am NOT a "Jesus Bunny." I am one of the Ancients, not that I expect you to understand the significance of that. We are older than time itself.Jehovah's Witness Jesus: See! See? I told you he was a Pagan. Evangelical Jesus: Oh, shut already, Jehovah's Witness Jesus.  Easter Bunny: While you draw your power from people's interpretations of Jesus, I draw MY power from the almighty Earth Mother. My Mommy is the Mother Goddess! Also known as Tiamat, Ishtar, Isis, Ashtart, Aphrodite, Freyja,...Yes, even Mary and Hagia Sophia. My Mom is the coolest Mom ever!Smug Sanctimonious Jesus: Ha Ha! So you are going to sic your Mommy on us? You are going to pit a woman against the awsome power of Jesus!?!? Oh, we have to get a video of this! This is priceless. Who's got a camera? Easter Bunny: I am the Herald of the Spring! The Destroyer of Winter! And I am also in charge of Fertility and Spring Fever. (Which makes me very, very popular with the young people, don'tcha know.) You have messed with the wrong bunny, you fools. Dashboard Jesus: Yeah? So what. HA HA! Watch out! It's Spring Break Viagra Bunny!  Easter Bunny: So, wheras you are are merely representations of public opinion ABOUT a deity, I am an ACTUAL DEITY!  Alcoholics Anonymous Jesus: OMG! I'm getting frightened! I need a drink, quick!  Soap-on-a-Rope Jesus: HA HA HA! You are such a card! you always need a drink, AA Jesus! Alcoholics Anonymous Jesus: HA HA! Yeah, I know! Easter Bunny: And now for the indignities that you have wrought upon my friend, Santa Claus, you shall all suffer the horrible wrath of the Bunny!  Smiley Jesus: OK, this is not really very funny anymore. Is there a game on? Where's the TV?  Easter Bunny: Take that, you false prophets! (The Easter Bunny shoots high velocity pastel-colored M&Ms at the crowd, both plain and peanut. Despite the high velocity, the projectile M&Ms melt in their victim and not in the air.) Shroud of Turin Jesus: Help! Help! I have been severely and repeatedly puctured! I am being torn to shreds! Oh, the humanity!  Meaningful Overnight Relationship Jesus: ARGH! The M&Ms have hit me right in my Admiral Winky! Easter Bunny: RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT! (The Easter Bunny shoots high velocity pastel-colored jelly beans at the crowd - not those cheap dime store ones, but those really good gourmet jelly beans that you have to buy by the pound.) Passionately Credulous Jesus: OH MY GOD! I'm Bleeding! Help! I'm too young to die! Massive Inflatable Jesus: MAYDAY! MAYDAY! I've been hit! I'm losing air pressure! I need a bicycle pump and some duct tape! QUICK! Easter Bunny: RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT! (The Easter Bunny shoots high velocity pastel-colored miniature eggs with a delicious creamy chocolate center at the crowd.)  Holy Church of the Gooey Death Jesus: Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! HEY! These are tasty! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!  Barcalounger Jesus: Holy moley! It's a bloodbath! Hollywood Jesus: Hey! this would make a really, really great Made-For-TV Movie! Get me a phone, I have to find a scriptwriter!  Easter Bunny: And now, I will show you the amazing confectionery rabbit powers of the Easter Bunny!  Bunny Power: Whoosh!  Fox News Jesus: WTF? We are all turning into Easter candy! Easter Bunny: Ha Ha! I laugh at your sweet-tooth predicament!  Milk Chocolate Power: Whoosh!  Nite-Lite Jesus: Yipes! I have been transformed into a delicious milk chocolate snack! Easter Bunny: Scream all you want, foolish mortals! Ha Ha!  Peep Power: Whoosh!  Neocon Jesus: Zoinks! I am becoming a giant marshmallow rabbit!  Halliburton Jesus: No No No! I don't want to be a Peep Jesus! Easter Bunny: Ha Ha! Sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, trace amounts of flavoring, coloring, wax, and unpronounceable preservatives shall be your prison! That will teach you to mess with the Easter Bunny!  Easter Eggy-Wegg Power: Whoosh!  Profit Motive Jesus: Eeek! I am the Eggman! Easter Bunny: Ha Ha! Quake with fear, you tiny fools!  Carmel Nougat Power: Whoosh!  Herbalife Jesus: Whoa, dude! Suddenly I feel chewy, nutty, and scrumptious! Easter Bunny: And now for the final touch! Ha Ha!  Rich Creamy Goodness Power: Whoosh!  Hollywood Jesus: I have become an Easter basket filled with tasty goodies! And somehow, I no longer feel evil...I have an overwhelming urge to pay my back child-support and tip waiters a full 15-20 percent! CURSE YOU, EASTER BUNNY! I am filled with Rich Creamy Goodness!Easter Bunny: OK, Santa! I will release you now! Santa Claus: Yay! Way to go, bunny!  Easter Bunny: Hold still, I'll get you down...  Santa Claus: You are a hero! Easter Bunny: Oh. it's nothing. There - you're free.  Santa Claus: Ho Ho Ho! I am forever in your debt, my furry little friend. Easter Bunny: So glad to see you again, Santa! Us holidays gotta stick together. Santa Claus: Hey, are these bad Jesus' going to be like this forever? Easter Bunny: Oh, no. Of course not. The effects will last about a week. When they wake up they will have a glucose shock headache, and of course they will all gain about 10 pounds. Santa Claus: But they are edible, right? Easter Bunny: Indubitably! They are made of only the finest ingredients. Santa Claus: Well, being crucified can make a guy pretty hungry, and that Neocon Jesus fellow has become the most delicious looking giant marshmallow rabbit. Let's eat him! No one will miss the little piss-ant. He has always been a bad boy, even when he was a kid. Neocon Jesus: Yipes! Easter Bunny: Hmm...OK, but I get the ears!  Neocon Jesus: Oh, cruel fate! woe is me. Santa Claus: Ho Ho Ho! Lets eat! Last one finished is a rotten egg! Easter Bunny: Ha Ha! An Easter joke! Very good, Mr. Kringle. I guess the yolks on me! Santa Claus: Ho Ho Ho! Ho Ho Ho!  Easter Bunny: (bunny wink) Hee Hee!  |