Shirley Partridge: Well kids, today we are going try and figure out how to fix the problems with the Iraq war. Does anybody have any Ideas?
Danny Partridge: I think we should just stay the course. Add more troops.
Laurie Partridge: Danny, that's been tried and it hasn't worked in the past. Why would you want to do that?
Danny Partridge: Well, the president thinks a good idea.
Keith Partridge: The President hasn't been right about anything for six years!
Danny Partridge: That's not true! Tax cuts for the rich have helped the economy!
Laurie Partridge: Danny, we had a better economy under Clinton! And better job growth!
Danny Partridge: Well, the economy would be better if we weren't at war! We need to fight terorism abroad so we don't have to fight it at home!
Shirley Partridge: Kids, kids, lets try to think of some real, practical solutions. There's no sense fighting amongst ourselves.
Reuben Kincaid: Well, I'll tell you one thing. The president has sure made a mess of things. I'm a good Republican, but that man is an idiot.
Keith Partridge: He's like the anti-christ! I swear, we have to get Nancy pelosi to impeach him!
Laurie Partridge: Yeah! That's the solution, Mom. Impeach the president and get our guys out of Iraq!
Tracy Partridge: Yeah! IMPEACH! IMPEACH!
Danny Partridge: You guys just don't understand President Bush. I think it's like that time that Laurie was dating that guy named Snake, remember? Laurie refused to talk to him, but Snake persisted and then eventually Snake and Laurie went to the prom together. If people would only give President Bush a chance, then maybe it would all work out.
Keith Partridge: Danny, Snake was stalker! AND he destroyed our lawn flamingo.
Danny Partridge: yeah, but he replaced it!
Keith Partridge: With a lawn flamingo that was stolen!
Laurie Partridge: I guess Snake and the president have similar habits.
Partridge Family Doorbell: RING!
Shirley Partridge: Hey kids! That's The door bell! It's probably today's special guest star Britney Spears!
Danny Partridge: Outasight! I'll get it!
Britney Spears: Hi everybody! I'm Britney Spears!
The Partridge Family: Hello Britney! We're the Partridge Family!
Danny Partridge: Gosh, Miss Spears! You sure are pretty!
Britney Spears: Uh, thanks Danny. I hope that nobody minds that I brought my little doggie with me! He is perfectly housetrained.
Shirley Partridge: Your little friend is certainly welcome in our home.
Laurie Partridge: Ohhhh, he is sooo cute!
Tracy Partridge: Why is he shivering? He looks like he is scared out of his wits!
Britney's dog: Help me! This lady is crazy! Help me please!
Simone Partridge: Oh no! That little dog is in trouble!
Britney Spears: Hey, can I use your restroom?
Laurie Partridge: Sure! After your long road trip, you probably need to powder your nose.
Britney Spears: Yeah! I'm just gonna go snort some coke.
Danny Partridge: I'll show you the way! (Exit Danny and Britney.)
Simone Partridge: Come on, I'll hide you while your human is in the bathroom! hurry!
Britney's dog: Thank you! Thank you! I am forever in your debt!
Jeromy Partridge: Hey Mom! We don't have any Coke, just Pepsi.
Keith Partridge: Whoa! She isn't talking about soda, Mom!
Shirley Partridge: Yes, I know Keith. Reuben, you set this up. What kind of guest star did you invite into our home?
Reuben Kincaid: Holy crap! I'm sorry, Shirley. Britney was supposed to be cleaned up for this gig. Her agent assured me that this sort of thing wouldn't take place. I don't know what happened!
Shirley Partridge: Well, we will just have to make the best of things. Here she comes everybody, put on a smile.
Britney Spears: *sniff* Hi everybody! I'm back!
Danny Partridge: Ahem. Sorry about that little incident in the bathroom, Miss Spears.
Britney Spears: Oh, thats OK Danny. Mrs. Partridge, your little Danny is quite the perv!
Shirley Partridge: Danny! Behave yourself! We've talked about this.
Danny Partridge: Sorry, Mom.
Shirley Partridge: Well, Ms. Spears, we were talking about how to fix the problems with the Iraq war.
Britney Spears: OMIGOD! Theres nothing to worry about. That's all taken care of. We should just do whatever the president tells us to do. Anybody who argues that point is a terrorist. You know that, don't you? Mrs. Partridge, you surprise me.
Shirley Partridge: Ms. Spears, I can't say that I begin to agree with...
Danny Partridge: See Mom? See? Miss Spears understands perfectly.
Reuben Kincaid: Danny, you sound like a Neocon Zombie!
Danny Partridge: You say that like it's a bad thing, Mr. Kincaid.
Laurie Partridge: Danny, Mr. Kincaid is right. The present administration is full of crooks. It's like that time when you were stealing and then selling off all of Keith's belongings to buy Mom a mink coat. The only difference is that President Bush is selling off all of the country's assets to buy a mink coat for Halliburton!
Reuben Kincaid: Well put, Laurie.
Britney Spears: Hey! You guys are terrorists!
Keith Partridge: Hey, Britney! We are not terrorists. We're musicians. You are a singer yourself, right?
Britney Spears: Hey! You're kind of cute, Keith!
Keith Partridge: I'm sorry, Britney. I have a "No Skank" rule about dating.
Britney Spears: I'm not a skank! Look, I now wear underpants! I'll show you!
Britney's Panties: (recording:) I am Britney's Talking Underpants. I was installed by Britney's publicist. This is a recording. I am Britney's Talking Underpants. These panties prove that Britney spears is a legitimate singing artist. This is a recording. I am Britney's Talking Underpa... Laurie Partridge: Holy crap! Britney Spears has Talking Underpants!
Danny Partridge: Wow! Mom, can I get Talking Underpants too?
Shirley Partridge: Danny!
Tracy Partridge: Mom, the Talking Underpants are scaring me!
Keith Partridge: Listen Britney, I'm sorry. Even with Talking Underpants, you are still a skank.
Britney Spears: Oh well, Keith, it is your loss. Look at how much I helped Kevin Federline's career.
Reuben Kincaid: Oh brother, now I've heard everything.
Shirley Partridge: But wait a minute, what are we going to do about the situation in Iraq?
Tracy Partridge: Hey, I know, remember when we helped out Richard Pryor and Louis Gossett, Jr. save their club from a loan shark? Mom had the great idea of having a block party, and we put on a free concert, and asked for donations!
Keith Partridge: Yeah, I remember! Richard Pryor and I wrote a really neato song - kind of an "Afro" thing!
Danny Partridge: Yeah, and I can be in charge of the money!
Tracy Partridge: And I'll play the tamborine!
Reuben Kincaid: Hey! What is this, a Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland musical? You can't just say "Hey, kids, let's put on a show!" and fix everything! The war in Iraq is a very serious issue!
Laurie Partridge: You know, Mr. Kincaid, as crazy as it sounds, Tracy's plan still makes more sense than anything the White House has come up with in six years.
Reuben Kincaid: Doh...
Reuben Kincaid: You know, your right! I'll call the USO and schedule a booking right away.
Shirley Partridge: That sounds like a good idea, Reuben.
Tracy Partridge: Yay!
Britney Spears: Well, I guess you guys have it all worked out. I'm going to go home and get wasted.
Laurie Partridge: (Whisper:) She's already wasted! She was stoned out of her mind when she walked in!
Danny Partridge: Oh, Miss Spears! Do you have to go so soon?
Britney Spears: I know when I'm not wanted. Goodbye. (Exit Britney Spears.)
Shirley Partridge: Goodbye, Miss Spears! Come again!
Laurie Partridge: Oh look, Ms. Spears left her cute little dog!
Britney's dog: Oh, crap! She spotted us!
Simone Partridge: Don't worry, Mrs. Partridge won't let anything happen to you. She's pretty good, for a human.
Tracy Partridge: Can we keep it Mom? Can we can we can we?
Shirley Partridge: Well, I guess we could keep it until Ms. Spears remembers to come pick it up.
Tracy Partridge: Yay!
Shirley Partridge: Now Danny, you have to stop getting crushes on girls Like Britney Spears. It's just not sanitary.
Danny Partridge: Yes, Mom. I've learned my lesson.
Tracy Partridge: Mommy, can I give my dolly an abortion now?
Shirley Partridge: WTF?
(Meanwhile, days later...)
Britney Spears: Oh, poop! I've lost another dog! That's the fourth one I've lost in the last year! I'll just have to go buy another one...
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