  Archie: Hey Jughead! I got this amazing email! A lady from Kenya wants to send me 3.5 million dollars!  'Jughead': That's just a scam, Archie! Archie: But she says that she is a Christian! She has all this Christian sounding stuff in the email. She talks about god and everything.  Betty: You have to be careful on the internet, Archie. Things aren't always what they seem!  Archie: But why would she lie if she is a good Christian?  'Jughead': It's like this Archie - You have to ask yourself if your belief that she is a good Christian is greater than your desire to bilk some little old lady in Kenya out of a million dollars. Just do what you know is right in your heart. Archie: Wow. I sure would like to bilk that little old lady out of her money.  Betty: Archie!  Archie: Oh! Did I say that out loud? Heh heh! I'm just joking! (Thinking to himself) **I'll just look at porn instead.**  Jughead: I saw those! Freaking hilarious!  Betty Cooper: I share her concerns, though. This country is being hijacked by radical fundamentalists.  Archie: Whoa! Jughead! How do I stop all of these crazy popups? Jughead: Jeepers, Archie! It's not even 8:00 am and you are looking at porn?  Archie: Well, it's not even 8:00 am and you are eating a pastrami and marshmallow sandwich, with pickles!  'Jughead': What's wrong with that?  Betty: Hey, that reminds me of the time! We had better motor, it's almost time for assembly hall! 'Jughead': OK! Let's boogie!  Betty: Archie...What the heck are looking at on the internet?  Archie: Oh! Heh heh...Just something I am researching for biology class!  Betty: Yes. Of course. (Thinking to herself) **I wish he understood how degrading I find this. Why can't he just look at his porn at home, with his parents!**  Archie: It's gonna be great when I get all of that money from Kenya!  Jughead: I'm telling you Archie, it's a scam!  Archie: Your're just jealous, Cause I'm gonna be rich!  Betty: Hey Archie! Will you help me collect signatures this afternoon? We are trying to get Barack Obama nominated for president!  Archie: Barack Obama bin Laden who? Well, I don't know what I'm doing this afternoon...  Archie: Yeah...sure, OK!  'Jughead': (Thinking to himself) **Hmph! Betty never asks me to collect signatures.**  Archie: Hey! There's Veronica! Hi Veronica! Hi Veronica! Hi!  Veronica: Excuse me boys, I have to get to assembly. Ta Ta!  Veronica: Hi Gang! What's the hap's?  Betty: Hi Veronica! We were just in the computer lab.  Veronica: (Whisper) Right. So was Archie looking at porn again?  Betty: (Whisper) Yep! You wouldn't believe the crap he was looking at!  'Jughead': Uh, Betty, I could help you collect signatures this after...  Betty: RING! Oh! It's my cell phone! 'Jughead': Aw, shoot...  Veronica: Hey Archie... Do you think that you could help me this afternoon? We are trying to get Newt Gingritch nominated for for president. Archie: Newt who? I don't know what I'm doing this afternoon...  Veronica: I'll let you put your hand under my blouse!  Archie: Under the bra?  Veronica: No - Under the blouse, on top of the bra. Archie: Sure, OK!  'Jughead': Hey, Archie! Let me talk to you for a second.  Jughead: Arch, you've already made a date with Betty! You can't be in two places at once.  Archie: Yeah, I know.I'll Have to figure out some way to trick Betty.  'Jughead': What? Why would you wanna do that? Betty is such a sweet girl! Why would you lie to her?  Archie: Well, Veronica said that she wants to get jiggy with me! She wants to go ALL THE WAY! She wants to go ALL THE WAY down to Funky Town! She wants to get busy with me! She wants to have wild unbridled sex with me! She wants to... 'Jughead': So, is she going to let you go under the bra? Archie: Well,... on top of the bra, but under the blouse! ...How did you know I was lying?  'Jughead': Ha Ha! Because guys always lie about that stuff, Archie!  Archie: So what should I do?  'Jughead': Well, you have to ask yourself whether you would like to spend that afternoon having fun with the most wonderful girl in the world, or would you rather spend the day hanging out with a scheming conniving rich girl that doesn't really care about you. You have to do what heart tells you. Archie: Yes, I know! It's completely impossible to make a decision about this!  'Jughead': Archie, you have to learn to take a stand. You can't just go through life, unable to make a decision.  Archie: You make it sound so easy, but I have to consider all of the variables, weigh all of the options, maximize my profits,...  'Jughead': It's just like when we talk about politics! When you are with Betty, you are a Democrat. But when you are with Veronica, you are a Republican! You have to stand up for yourself! You can't just be on both sides of the fence! You have to make a commitment. What's worse, you are being dishonest with yourself.Archie: Yeah! You are right! I have to make a commitment! I have to take a stand!  Archie: Wow! Who's that girl?  Betty: Hey! What are you guys talking about? Archie: Oh, Hey Betty! We're just talking about politics!  'Jughead': Yeah, Archie is just wrestling with the important issues of the day. Betty: Well, come on! We are going to be late!  Mr. Weatherbee: (Inside the assembly hall) OK, OK, settle down kids. I want you all to give Miss Grundy you're undivided attention.  Mr. Weatherbee: And after Miss Grundy gives you the school news, we have a special guest speaker! Now, mind you manners for Miss Grundy!  Archie: Wow! a special guest speaker! Neat-Oh!  Miss Grundy: Good morning, students! I expect you all to comport yourselves like little ladies and gentlemen. No more hijinks, like last week! I warn you, I've brought my pepper spray, and I'm not afraid to use it! Reggie: Heh Heh! Yeah, last week was pretty funny!  Miss Grundy: Well, students, we are passing around stickers that we want you to paste into the upper left-hand corner of the inside flap of the front of your biology texts.   Miss Grundy: Remember, I want you to put the sticker in the upper left-hand corner of the inside flap of the front of your biology text, not the back flap, not the edge of the book, not the.... 'Jughead': What? Is she crazy? This thing says that evoltion is only a theory! Miss Grundy: Not the inside of your lunchbox, not the underneath of your desk, not on the back of your IPod,... Archie: I don't get it. what's it mean, Jughead? Miss Grundy: ...Not on your boyfriend's car window, not on your clothing, not on your homeroom teacher's forhead,...  Betty: It means that the religious extremists have taken over the Riverdale School Board!  Veronica: Daddy says that religious extremism is good for the stock market! Archie: What's that? What's a "religious extremism-ist"? Miss Grundy: ...Do not eat the stickers, do not use the stickers to make origami animals,... Jughead: Remember that guy that we saw on TV? William Donohue of the Catholic League? Archie: Yeah, he got all mad about Chocolate Jesus. So is he a "religious extremist"? Is that good or bad? 'Jughead': Well, it all depends on your perspective. If you think that the world is only 6000 years old, and dinosaurs and man once co-existed, then I guess that that's a good thing.  Betty: Then again, if you believe in freedom of religion and equal rights for women, it's a bad thing. Archie: I don't get it. which one am I supposed to like? Miss Grundy: ...do not stick them in your nose, do not stick them on your toes... 'Jughead': It's all about the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States, Archie. I'll explain it to you later. Miss Grundy: ...do not eat them with a stoat, do not feed them to a goat... Betty: Excuse me, Miss Grundy,... this sticker means that we should keep an open mind about evolution, and investigate all of the possibilities about the origin of man, right? Miss Grundy: Yes, and after you have done that you should come to the realization that if you believe in evolution that you are going to go straight to H-E-Double Toothpicks! 'Jughead': Jeepers! Betty: Holy crap! Miss Grundy has gone loopy!  Archie: Oh, I get it! H-E-Double Toothpicks! Woo hoo! Miss Grundy said a naughty word! Like H-E-L-L! That's funny!  Professor Flutesnoot: Miss Grundy, I was not contacted about these anti-evolution stickers. As head of the science department, I believe that I am entitled to an explanation. I wonder if we could discuss this matter after the assembly. Mr. Weatherbee: Shut up, Professor Flutesnoot! Everybody knows that Jesus hates science! You are lucky the school board has even decided to keep your department! Science is bad!  Moose: Duh, I hate science too! I must be just like Jesus!  Reggie: Ha Ha! Tha's right, Moose! I must be like Jesus too!  Professor Flutesnoot: (Thinking to himself) Oh, dear! The creationists have taken over the school!  Miss Grundy: Now I would like to adress the girls in the audience. in two weeks we will holding our first annual Father-Daughter Purity Ball, and we have a sign-up sheet for all of the girls that will be attending. Veronica: Hilarious! Maybe daddy can buy me some purity so that I can attend.  Betty: (Thinking to herself) OMG! This is so bizzare! What business is it of the school to check on my purity? If the boys ever find out that I'm a virgin, they will never ask me on another date! Archie: Hey! How come the boys don't get to have a Purity Ball too?  'Jughead': Ha Ha! Archie, you crack me up!  Majoring in Journalism Girl: (Thinking to herself) My father raped me when I was just a girl, and I am too ashamed to admit it! The irony of being escorted by my father to a Father-Daughter Purity Ball just makes me want to gag! How could the school put me in this position? Miss Grundy: All of you girls will get the honor of silently committing to live pure lives before God through the symbol of laying down a white rose at the cross.  Pepper: Whoa! Miss Grundy has gone batpoop crazy, daddy-oh!  Britney Beatnik: You said it, baby! The school board has blown their flippin' wigs!  Miss Grundy: Your father will pledge to be a man of integrity and accountablity as he leads, guides and prays over his daughter and his family as the high priest in his home.  Sabrina the Teenage Witch: (Thinking to herself) Ha! Like a mere warlock could ever be a High Priestess! Hilda and Zelda are the high priestesses at my house!  Majoring in English Literature Girl: (Thinking to herself) My father was killed in Iraq. What am I supposed to do? Does this mean I can't be pure? Is our house less pure because my mother and I are alone?  Veronica: (Thinking to herself) My father? "integrity and accountablity?" Ha Ha! Give me a break! My father works for Halliburton!  Midge: (Thinking to herself) I find this whole subject insulting and belittling. It's as if she is saying that we are not equal, that some people are better than other people.  Miss Grundy: Remember, girls, your role in marriage requires that you submit to your husband's authority. You are merely vessels waiting to be filled to the brim with the rich creamy goodness of your future husband's infinite wisdom!Veronica: LOL! Filled to the brim with a boy's rich creamy goodness! Miss Grundy, you are hilarious! Betty: (Thinking to herself) Gee, that sure doesn't sound like Archie! He is as stupid as the president! I wonder why I love him so? I just don't understand any of this. Miss Grundy: And now I would lke to turn the floor back over to Mr. Weatherbee, who will introduce our special guest!  Mr. Weatherbee: Ahem, yes! Without any further ado, I would like to introduce our special guest, Test Tube Jesus!  Test Tube Jesus: (Enter Test Tube Jesus and his pet dinosaur) Hello boys and girls! I am Test Tube Jesus!  |
