  Mr. Weatherbee: Ahem, yes! Without any further ado, I would like to introduce our special guest, Test Tube Jesus!  Test Tube Jesus: (Enter Test Tube Jesus and his pet dinosaur) Hello boys and girls! I am Test Tube Jesus!   Veronica: Holy crap! What is that horrible creature that he has with him!?!?  Archie: OMG! I have never seen such a horrifying creature!  Betty: Yipes!  Reggie: Eeek! Protect me from this horrible creature, Moose!  Moose: But Reggie, he's looks kinda friendly... Hey, little fella...  Dilton: Hey, gang! Don't be scared I think that the creature is a previously-thought-to-be-extinct neosaurus!  Professor Flutesnoot: Why yes, I believe that you are correct Dilton. That does look like a neosaurus. Remarkable!  Test Tube Jesus: You are correct, this is my pet dinosaur, Coulter!  Dinosaur: Rowf!  Test Tube Jesus: Don't be afraid! Coulter is perfectly housetrained! Nothing to be afraid of!  Dinosaur: Rawrf Rawrf!  Midge: Yikes! That thing gives me the willies!  Test Tube Jesus: Now, allow me to intrduce myself properly. I was discovered by my father, James Cameron, as a small sample of DNA in the tomb of the one and only Jesus Christ! (For more info on the origin of Test Tube Jesus, click here.) Test Tube Jesus: My DNA sample was brought to billionaire John Hammond, who had his scientists at Jurassic Park clone me. I have grown up at Jurassic Park among the dinosaurs. I am the Christ Reborn! Jughead: This guy is a lunatic.  Archie: How can you say that, Reggie? He says that he is Jesus! You will make god mad at you! Test Tube Jesus: Now I am going to show you a powerpoint presentation of Jurassic Park, where I grew up.  Betty: Archie, I think Jughead is right. This guy is not on the level...  Test Tube Jesus: Now this first slide is a picture of me on a lazy day in midsummer. The dinosaurs that you seem in the background are friends of mine. Or at least they were, until I ate them! Ha Ha!  Test Tube Jesus: Here I am at the annual Running of the Dinosaurs. John Hammond has clocked me at 20 kph! I am the fastest thing on two legs at Jurassic Park.   Test Tube Jesus: Ladies, I want you to pay close attention to my pecs and my six-pack. I'm one hot Jurassic Park Jesus!   Betty: (Thinking to herself) Oh, brother. This guy is full of himself.  Veronica: (Thinking to herself) You know, he is kinda hot. I've never dated a deity before!  Reggie: (Thinking to himself) He is kind of muscular, but Moose has lots more muscles than him. Test Tube Jesus: This is a picture of me with one of the rare Irwin-Allen-A-Saurus'. Isn't he magnificent?   Archie: Hey! I saw one of those in a movie once! Test Tube Jesus: And this next slide,...Oh, dear! How did that get in there?  Test Tube Jesus: Ha Ha! Well, I think we will end the slideshow a little early! Heh Heh! Did that make you horny, girls?  Mr. Weatherbee: What! I can't believe it! What are you playing at, Test Tube Jesus?  Test Tube Jesus: Oh, keep your shirt on, old man. Me and the dinosaur were just having a bit of innocent fun!  Miss Grundy: Oh, I can't believe it! Jesus having sex with a dinosaur! What will I tell my church group?  Mr. Weatherbee: Not so innocent if you ask me! Has that dinosaur been to a purity ball? Did you make her break her sacred vow to god and her father, the the high priest of that dinosaur's household? Test Tube Jesus: You don't understand. I am a deity. I am a preternatural and supernatural being. I am not expected to be held to the same standards as a human being.  Mr. Weatherbee: Oh! I get it! It's just like the President when he makes those stupid mistakes. It's OK, because he is a Republican! Test Tube Jesus: Exactly! Just think of me as being like a GOP candidate! I can do no wrong, as long as I say that god is on my side!  Professor Flutesnoot: I think that this has gone far enough, Mr. Weatherbee. This man appears to be a bad influence on the children! Mr. Weatherbee: Now be quiet, Professor Flutesnoot! Mr. Lodge has payed good money for Test Tube Jesus to be here and teach the children about god and how to behave!  Veronica: Daddy? My Daddy invited Mr. Test Tube Jesus to come to Riverdale High? Mr. Weatherbee: Oh, dear! Did I say that out loud? That was supposed to be a secret!  Mr. Lodge: (Coming from behind the curtain) Well, I guess the secret's out! I just wanted to help your class truly understand the word of Jesus before the Purity Ball. I did it all for you, my little stock option!  Veronica: Daddy! I don't get it! What's this all about?  Mr. Lodge: Calm down and listen to the man, my little pumpkin! Veronica: Why should I? Why why why? (Stamps her foot)  Mr. Lodge: Smithers, get Veronica another credit card! Quick!  Smithers: Yes, sir! You bourgeois capitalist pig!  Veronica: Yippie! I can go do some more shopping! I'm gonna buy products made from the fur of creatures that are on the endangered species list! I'm going to exclusively buy products from companies that thumb their noses at child labor laws and equal rights for women! Whee! New credit card! New credit card! New credit card! Cheryl: Yu know, it's kind of creepy watching Veronica have a money-gasm!  Band Groupie girl: Yeah! She doesn't care about anything but herself!  Mr. Lodge: Now explain it to her, Test Tube Jesus! That's what I paid you for! I want my money's worth! Test Tube Jesus: Well, it's like this, Veronica. Your father wants you to be happy, and he is afraid that you are spending too much time with Archie. He wants you to start dating Reggie.  Veronica: But why does he want me to stop dating Archie? That's crazy! Test Tube Jesus: Well, your father wants you to be happy in the afterlife. You don't want to spend eternity in heaven without a husband, do you?  Veronica: Husband? I am WAAAAAY too young to get married. And what's wrong with Archie? Why can't Archie be my husband, if that is who I decide to manipulate into being my husband? Test Tube Jesus: Well you can't be together in heaven with Archie, you see. Poor people don't go to heaven.  Veronica: I knew it! That makes perfect sense to me!  Archie: What!?!? I can't go to heaven because I'm not rich?  Reggie Mantle: Oh, this is hilarious! I love this guy! Moose: Hey Reggie! Does this mean I don't get to go to heaven?  Betty: (Thinking to herself) Gee, Archie actually believes this crap!  Veronica: But you said that Daddy wants me to marry Reggie! There might be something of a...compatibility problem there... Reggie: Don't worry, Veronica! I swing both ways! Think of it as a marriage of convenience. Ha Ha! Test Tube Jesus: Have no fear! Reggie's family has lots of money-money-money! Test Tube Jesus will fix everything else!  Veronica: Well, tell me this...If I marry Reggie, can I still screw around? ...And still get into heaven I mean? Test Tube Jesus: Of course! As long as you have lots of money!  Veronica: Well, OK! That sounds good to me! Test Tube Jesus: Don't worry about a thing! I fixed Ted Haggard! I can fix anything!  Veronica: Wow! Was that you? You cured Ted Haggard? The Republican Party certainly owes you a debt of thanks, sir! Mr. Lodge: (Thinking to himself) Heh Heh! That's my girl!  Archie: But Mister Test Tube Jesus, does that mean that I don't ever get to go to heaven? I have always been a good boy!  'Jughead': (Whispering) Ha Ha! Except maybe for all of that porn that you download!  Archie: (Whispering) SHH, Jughead! I am try to get in good with Jesus! Test Tube Jesus: Don't worry, Archie! Heaven has an excellent guest worker program! Poor people can visit heaven to work for heaven's many wealthy customers! Sombody has to mow all of those golf course lawns! Trim all of those hedges! Clean all of those toilets!  Archie: A guest worker program? But what about Lou Dobbs? Test Tube Jesus: Oh, don't worry about him! That's all for show. He is one of our shills! He works for the GOP!  Archie: (Sniff) So, I can be a guest worker? Test Tube Jesus: Perhaps! But only if you vote Republican!  Archie: Wow! All that stuff I learned in Sunday school seems so different from the truth! Veronica: Don't worry Archie. I can get you a job as a cabana boy at my beach house in heaven!  Archie: Really? Would you really do that for me, Veronica? Veronica: Sure thing! All that you have to do is be my slave here on earth. If you are a good boy, I will let you get into heaven as a guest worker. Isn't that right, Mister Test Tube Jesus? Test Tube Jesus: That's right, Veronica! You catch on quick! Archie: Sure, Veronica! I will do whatever you say! I wanna be your little cabana boy in heaven!  Betty: (Thinking to herself) Oooooh! What did I ever see in that little worm! Archie Andrews, I hate you! Test Tube Jesus: So you see children, heaven is for those most privilaged and deserving. Everything is on a cash basis.  Mr. Weatherbee: It's so great to see the kids learning about all of this Jesus stuff! Mr. Weatherbee: Wait a minute! What about me? I'm not rich! I don't want to be a cabana boy!  Betty: Hey Jughead, what's all that stuff that Veronica was saying about Reggie?  'Jughead': Oh, Reggie's been dating Moose for the last few weeks! It's like they are going steady, or something. Betty: Really? Reggie and Moose are dating?  'Jughead': Yeah, they got together during the Greco-Roman wrestling championships.  Betty: But I thought Moose was dating Midge!  'Jughead': Midge dumped Moose for Maynard G. Krebs.  Betty: I thought Maynard was dating Pepper!  'Jughead': No, Pepper dumped Maynard for Bingo Wilkins!  Betty: But I thought Bingo Wilkins was going out with Britney Beatnik!  'Jughead': No, Britney Beatnik is now going out with Midge, after she broke up with Maynard G. Krebs.  Betty: So Midge broke up with Moose to go out with Maynard G. Krebs, and then dumped Maynard so that she could date Britney Beatnik?  'Jughead': Something like that. Midge is one of those girls that hangs out with the Pussycats.  Josie of 'Josie and the Pussycats': (Brief musical intro plays) Hi Jughead! This Test Tube Jesus guy is batpoop crazy, Daddy-Oh!  'Jughead': Hi Josie! Tell me about it.  Betty: The Pussycats? You know Josie and the Pussycats? Wow! Are you saying that the Pussycats are lesbians?  'Jughead': Naw. Just most of their fans. And they say that Josie crosses the street once in a while.  Betty: Wow! They are my favorite pop group! Maybe you can introduce me! But Jughead, how can you eat at a time like this?  'Jughead': Oh, it calms my nerves. These chocolate chip cookies are really good! The chocolate is all gooshy from being in my pocket. You want some?  Test Tube Jesus: God is love! God is kindness! The war in Iraq is good! Jeus love everyone, especially president Bush! Feminism is bad! Men are in charge!  Mr. Lodge: Well I think that Test Tube Jesus has been a complete success! What do you think, Smithers? Smithers: I think that you are an unmitigated idiot, sir. You have turned your daughter into a monster! let live forever in the people's memory the unparalled achievement of the Leninist Guard of October! Mr. Lodge: Oh, shut up, you bolshy old communist fruit! Get me a coffee! Pronto!  Smithers: Yes, sir. Would you like one lump of arsenic or two?  Test Tube Jesus: ...I am leading you, guiding you... I am a cosmic love pulse matrix becoming a technicolor interpositive!  'Jughead': Holy moly! Test Tube Jesus is quoting Frank Zappa! Archie: Who's Frank Zappa?  Test Tube Jesus: Supply side economics is the wave of the future! Confession, guilt, tithe! I am drip-dry and metaphysically wrinkle free! Eat right, exercise, give me money!  Moose: Duh, Reggie... Does that mean I don't get to go to heaven with you?  Reggie: Don't worry about it, Moose! You can be a guest worker! I'll let you be my cabana boy at our summer beach house!  Moose: But Archie is gonna be the cabana boy... You are making fun of Moose! Reggie Mantle: Well, OK! You can be the butler! You can live in the big house! Moose: I think this whole thing is a scam! Test Tube Jesus is a liar! And I think that you are just being mean to me, you big bully!  Reggie: Hey, Moose! Don't take it personal! Just because I'm rich and you're not! Don't be a socialist! Moose: Why do rich people aways use the drawbacks of socialism and communism to defend their horrible and inhuman actions! I'm not defending socialism and communism, I am promoting democracy!  Moose: I think that it's high time that someone taught you the basics of advanced political theory!  KA-POW! Betty: Wow! Moose just let Reggie have it! He always was really good at advanced political theory!  Test Tube Jesus: God spelled backwards is dog! God spelled sideways is still god! God spelled inside out is an infinite fraction! Fractions are math, and math is evil!  Sabrina the Teenage Witch: (Thinking to herself) If hadn't sworn to not meddle with the affairs of mankind, I would turn this guy into a toad!  Guy laughing: Do you believe this guy?!?!  Girl laughing: I know! This is funnier that watching FOX News trying to explain the Iraq War in a positive light!  Test Tube Jesus: I am the mind's eye meatloaf of your wildest dreams! Professor Flutesnoot: Sir, I must insist that you stop all of this nonsense! You are frightening the children!  Test Tube Jesus: Be quiet, science man! This is none of your concern!  Professor Flutesnoot: You leave me no choice, Mr. Test Tube Jesus! I shall have to contact the authorities! Test Tube Jesus: You have interrupted for that last time, you miserable statistics humper! Coulter! Attack! Dinosaur: Gabba gabba! Test Tube Jesus: That's right girl! Attack! Attack!  Dinosaur: Rabbarowf!  Betty: Jeepers!  Professor Flutesnoot: Oh, dear! Oh, my goodness!  Dinosaur: Grrrrrr! Rowpft!  Archie and Jughead: YIKES!  Professor Flutesnoot: Ack! You can't eat me! I have tenure!  'Jughead': OMG! Please let me by! I have to help the professor!  Professor Flutesnoot: Can't we talk about this?!?!  Veronica: Hey! With a little luck, I won't have to surreptitiously cheat off of Betty for Friday's science test!  Dinosaur: Grrrrr! Reggie: Hey! With a little luck, I won't have to surreptitiously cheat off of Veronica for Friday's science test!  Dinosaur: CHOMP!  Archie: Hey! This means no science test on Friday! That means that I won't have to ask Jughead to help me study!  Professor Flutesnoot's severed head: Burble...burble...burble...  'Jughead': OMG! It's too late! The professor is dead!  Dinosaur: CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! Betty: This is just awful! And to think, we were going to have a science test just this Friday! I studied and everything! It's so ironic!  Dinosaur: Mmmmm... Growff growff growff!  Miss Grundy: Sweet Heavens above! The beast is eating the poor professor's head! Dinosaur: Burp!  Test Tube Jesus: OK, you might want to duck. Coulter always has a little spew session after a big meal. Archie: What do you mean?  'Jughead': Duck, Archie! Duck!  Sabrina the Teenage Witch: By Visgoth's mighty left nostril! I have been soiled by a dragon clone!  Veronica: Oh! My hair! My hair!  Miss Crouton: (Licking her lips) Mmm! This actually tasts better than most of the stuff we have been cooking up in Home Economics class!  Archie: Wow. This has been a really strange day! I don't think I have ever worn the half digested meal of a dinosaur that was owned by Jesus before. Ick! Is that Professor Flutesnoot's finger on my shoe?  Dinosaur: Haaa...Zzzeeeeebee zeebee zeebee zeebee... Test Tube Jesus: There, there! Coulter likes to take a little nap after a big meal and a vomit! 'Jughead': Hey Mr. Weatherbee! Don't you think that we need to call the police? A murder has taken place!  Mr. Weatherbee: You don't understand, Jughead! Test Tube Jesus is a supernatural being. He is not expected to be held to the same standards as a regular human being. He is just like the president!  'Jughead': But that dinosaur just ate Professor Flutesnoot! Doesn't anybody care? Test Tube Jesus, aren't you the least bit concerned? Test Tube Jesus: Oh, not at all! You shouldn't be worried, Coulter will be just fine! She always takes a nap after a big meal.  Miss Grundy: Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!  Test Tube Jesus: ...Now boys and girls, it is time for me to look into your hearts. I'm going to find out who is naughty and nice! Reggie: Ha! That just looks like some old kitchen colander and some wire! Archie: Shut up! It's a special Test Tube Jesus colander! It has special Jesus powers!  Jughead: Archie! Get a clue! This guy is a fake!  Test Tube Jesus: This is my special audio-vibratory-physio-molecular psychic device. With this device I can see into your pitiful human souls! I can read your very thoughts!  Veronica: (Thinking to herself) OK, Test Tube Jesus, see if you can figure out what I'm thinking about!  'Jughead': (Thinking to himself) Think, Jughead! Think! What are you going to do? Test Tube Jesus: I can see what you are thinking! My psychic powers are expanding like Peeps in a microwave! Archie: (Thinking to himself) OK, Archie - get a hold of yourself. Test Tube Jesus is reading your mind - Pretend that you have been a good boy, just like you pretend in church!  Veronica: (Thinking to herself) Let me just cross my legs and adjust my hemline a little...Test Tube Jesus must know what I'm thinking!  Test Tube Jesus: Hey! This is just like the Magic Mirror on Romper Room! "Romper, bomper, stomper, boo. Tell me, tell me, tell me, do..."  'Jughead': (Thinking to himself) I must call the police! I need a phone!  Veronica: (Thinking to herself) Woo Hoo! Over here, Test Tube Jesus! Archie: (Thinking to himself) Just think about baseball! Just think about baseball!  Test Tube Jesus: Whee! I can see Scotty and Kimberly and Julie and Jimmy and Marcie and all of you boys and girls out there!  'Jughead': (Thinking to himself) Wait! What's that? A thought is coming to me! What am I thinking about? Test Tube Jesus: Your puny minds are no match for the awsome power of Test Tube Jesus! I know your every thought! Betty: Jughead seems so deep in thought. I wonder what he is thinking?  'Jughead': Ack! No! Don't think about food at a time like this!  Jughead: Betty! Can I borrow your cell phone?  Betty: Sure thing, Jughead! We should call the police! I was just thinking that! It's like your psychic!  'Jughead': (Dials 911 and speaks to the desk sergent) That's right, officer! A man masquerading as Jesus, with a pet neosaurus that has just eaten Professor Flutesnoot! Please hurry! Betty: Golly! Jughead sounds so mature and masterful! Test Tube Jesus: I have it! You are all thinking about making a sizable donation to my special Test Tube Jesus Church, so that you can get your very own combination GOP Decorder ring and flashlight as a free gift! Just like on TV!Veronica: Oh, brother! That is SO not what I was thinking! 'Jughead': (Sirens blaring in the background) Uh, Mister Test Tube Jeeeeesuuuuus, I think that your ride is here! Test Tube Jesus: Yikes! Hey, Coulter! We gotta cheese it, it's the cops! I will get even with you for this, 'Jughead' Jones!  'Jughead': Yeah, whatever you say! Time to go, psycho!  Veronica: Aw, shoot! I didn't have time to manipulate Test Tube Jesus into asking me for my cell phone number. Betty: Jughead! You're are a hero! Archie: Hero?!?! Jughead, you just called the cops on Jesus!  'Jughead': Archie, that guy was not Jesus! You've read the bible! Jesus is nothing like that guy! Heaven is not just for the rich! Jesus loved the poor and the disenfranchised! Archie: You're wrong! Test Tube Jesus said that I have to be a cabana boy! And dis-a-franchised frenchy fries had nothing to do with it!  Veronica: That reminds me. Hey, cabana boy! Come by after school today! I got some chores for you to do! You can start by mowing the lawn and cleaning the pool! Archie: (Sigh) Yes, Veronica. You still love me, don't you Betty? Betty: Uh... Archie: Hey! I've got an idea! If I can bilk 3.5 million dollars from that old lady in Kenya, I'll be rich! Then I can get into heaven, and you can be my cabana boy!  Betty: WTF?  Archie: Well, no... You can be my scullery maid! That's it! I am sure they have those cute little maid outfits in heaven! Just like in those music videos! I'll let you be my scullery maid in heaven if you will be my slave on earth! Same deal as Veronica! Whatta ya say? Betty: I say... NO! You can go jump in a lake, you foul turd! I never want to speak to you again, Archie Andrews! 'Jughead': (Thinking to himself) Good for you, Betty. Archie has treated you poorly for the last time! Archie: But why not? What's the problem? I don't understand... Jughead: Archie, Betty is the most wonderful girl in the world. You really blew it this time. I'll talk to you later.  Veronica: Conspiring to get rich behind my back, huh? Well, just for that I won't let you into heaven! I'm not going to let you be my slave on earth! No yard work for you today, Archie! Archie: But Betty! Veronica! Girls! Come back! Jeepers! Veronica: Betty, I don't like Archie any more! I'm gonna torture some other poor soul! Betty: Me too! I swear off of Archie forever!  Betty and Veronica: GOOD! Then we agree! No more Archie!  Veronica: I'm glad that's settled. I think that I'll go hang out with Josie and the Pussycats for a while. Where's my lipstick?  Betty: Hey Jughead, wait up! 'Jughead': What's going on, Betty? Betty: You want to go get a pizza? 'Jughead': Hmm... Extra large with anchovies and pickles? Betty: Um, well, how about half anchovies and pickles, half vegetarian? 'Jughead': Sure! That sounds great!  Betty: Jughead, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.  |